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There’s a new strain of swine flu out there… and it’s making me sick. It’s caused by congressmen who act like pigs and others who hog the airwaves coughing up lies and breathing toxic misinformation all over us. The viral nature of this illness is extremely dangerous because these toxins travel fast. They even attack the brains of very intelligent people, causing them to lose control of their senses—especially their common sense and, at times, even their dignity.
This flu causes diarrhea of the mouth and other gastro-intestinal problems such as nausea and a dull ache in the pit of your stomach. At times, it may speed up your pulse, making your heart race and pound. Don’t worry, you’re probably not having a heart attack. These are classic symptoms of the anxiety that accompanies this new strain of swine flu. Another classic symptom is throbbing headache; this WILL be made worse and may cause frequent fits of snorting if you accidentally tune in to Rush Limbaugh, watch Fox News or reside in either Wasilla, Alaska or South Carolina’s 2nd congressional district. Limbaugh, by the way, reportedly has grown cloven hooves and a curly tail.
The remedy for the new swine flu throbbing headache? Take two aspirin and call your Congressional representatives and demand they wipe their runny little snouts and get back to the trough on health care reform. Be warned, they’re hard to catch because sometimes these congressional pigs are greased… and health reform is not necessarily as interesting as what’s waiting in the pork barrel.
If you become hoarse from debating the health reform issue, then you suck--you suck a lozenge and get back to work! By the way, if you promise your congressman you’ll become a real pain in the neck, this may help ensure coverage for chiropractic and massage. Writer’s cramp is another minor symptom of the new swine flu, caused by penning copious letters to the editor, frequent blogging and repeatedly emailing House and Senate members. Also, your home will begin to look a pig sty.
Take note. The following statement is not a reference in any way to the party that is represented by a donkey. .. But you need to know that together these symptoms of the new swine flu—sloppiness, diarrhea, heart palpitations, persistent headache, sore throat-- are a real pain in the ass.